Dinner at Grandma's House 2004

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If any of Noah's Friends have photos, video or links reflecting Noah, please submit a comment or message to Columbia.Gorge@Gmail.com. This is the address for Noah's Dad.

Noah's journal 2003

7/14 or 15

So I saw Sara for the first time in a long time tonight. Obviously we've both matured a lot since the last time we saw each other. And I felt (most likely), the most comfortable that I ever have around her, no angst, no jealousy, no nothin. I like that girl a lot and ever since the first time I met her on the stairs by the Gym at MLC (metro learning center, Noah's high school), I've been uncannily attracted to her. I'd love to call her and get to know her again. She's changed a lot, but she's still so comfortable and familiar. I was waiting for the Mop (unknown reference), at the BOG (Bar of the Gods), playing Donkey Kong Jr. with Josh. I saw him look up and I looked up. And I know she saw me outta the corner of her eye, or maybe not and she stopped, turned and saw me, instant recognition and surprise but not surprised to see each other. We hugged, she was on her way outside we said, "Hi", and I told (her) that I would join her on the patio soon. She gave me her # and proceeded. We had probably the most laid-back and the least high-energy small talk that we've ever had. She was w/a large group of mostly girls. I invited her to helping MOP (unknown reference) and she said "not any more" and told me that I should not do the same. I didn't at the time, but now I feel that she was purely concerned for my good health and well being. And in reflection, when she introduced me to her friends she was proud to know me. Perhaps because she still thinks I'm attractive or desirable, and this is the most clearly that I felt this. When we were talking one on one, I showed her my scar (that Noah got on his forehead from a bike crash), and she said I'm still beautiful, and I returned the comment.

YOU ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL NOAH AND ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS -

Noah - what am I to do?

These thoughts came to me while having coffee last Friday, 11/21/08.



If I see a blur of a fast moving cyclist, with long, natty dread hair, sometimes from behind, I have an idea that my son is there, rushing away, quicker than my eyes can follow. I look, trying not to stare at a stranger, who resembles him in some way. Sitting in Starbucks last Friday I saw that phantom cyclist again, and it seemed if I looked at him with a certain squint of the eye, from a specific angle, then suddenly Noah would appear. I know, it seems foolish, but it is riveting nonetheless. In these brief times of non-reality, I feel like somehow I am seeing the truth, that I am seeing my son again, in his new world, busy, traveling, vital and so close to me. If I could only catch up.

What will never be..

I am thinking now of all the things Noah wanted to do and he just ran out of time. He wanted to go to bicycle repair school, he wanted to work in Alaska with his friend, Tom. He loved deeply and had wonderful friends and girlfriends. He was so smart, and he wrote beautifully. There was a lot going on under the surface of Noah, his mind was full of beauty. Noah was a steady, honest, loving son, always there for me. He would call me to give him a ride because his bike had a flat tire, and I was always so happy to hear from him, and glad to help. When driving with him, he was very bossy about which streets to take and where to turn, but it was so wonderful. He knew the fastest ways to get around, because he was everywhere on his bicycles. He had a soft voice, a ready laugh, sarcastic, argumentative at times, all the little things that made him who he was. Gone, except for in memory and nothing will ever make this world matter to me as it once did. Such a staggering loss that seems to weigh down with a relentless pressure. Noah was everything to me, my only son and I miss him so very much.

Some of Noah's writings from 2000 - I will add more as I am able

Oct 9

And so now the ground is more lightly tread upon
In caution, meditation, sometimes doubt & fear
I'm by myself, not necessarily alone, but without much cover
Once that which was a mystery is now revealed
But I can only use this to learn and ready myself
Everything changes so fast, it can be hard to keep up
It seems lately, keeping up is necessary
And it starts to come naturally
But all glass which is made clear can break
As do structures built in haste
For there tends to be little room for recklessness
I don't know if it's just lately or I'm just noticing finally/too soon
There are a thousand faces of contentment
Perhaps even more that are masks
And a situation no longer satisfactory
Which is only met by regrets rather than consideration
It's so fucking hard to keep the scales balanced
Or more balanced than not
So though the ground is not stable I plodded ahead
With meditation as a shadow trailing behind
But for now I'm taking in the landscape and observing what I can
And when I see the time to be, Ill test my footing
And then the ground before me

Oct 19
Nov 5th

Having something to go on but nowhere to go
Rather nowhere that's desired
I walked the path of egg shells long enough
Leaping into the moment
Blinding myself w/honesty and courage
Shuddering at the reality of denial
Something under my belt
Diminishing into foolhardy wisdom
Structures fall, built of desire and lust
Walls are built of question & fear
Bliss in strife lays foundation for trusts cross examination
so subdued & docile is the exo-persona
While the core races w/primal animal intent and meditation
Still the surface remains stagnant
Always composure predominating
Though I may leap again
It will not be empty-handed

Nov 4th

I really do deserve all this
All my weakness becomes suddenly apparent
And all the ones I've always had
I (I'm) sick of trying so fucking hard
I haven't been letting things happen
I've been making things happen
As of recently, just trying to
In blurs of self-disgusting desperation
I've been lying to myself so constantly
And dishonest overall
I understand what a path w/heart is now
Or at least that the one I was on had none
I'm just going
to be my true self
And try to peel off the many masks
Which I denied to possess until now
My eyes are opening
And I admit that it kind of hurts
I certainly can't keep them closed forever
I'm choosing the time of now and here
It's going to be a lot harder to let go
I hold on by a rose stem
The rose which once captivated me and shone through the pain
I've watched it bloom
And now I'm seeing it wilt
But I can't let go of the thorny stem
It's only fair
I deserve this

Nov 21st
Everything is so clear
Now I just concentrate myself correctly
Watch my action and placement
Be aware of the options and weigh the consequences And especially presently sacrifice promptness for fruitfulness
Everything is beginning to unravel
And the dust is just starting to settle
I feel like I may be approached




Seeing into so many people
Seeing how few shine through
Knowing it all to well
Women are more mysterious
But I'm beginning to understand



I guess I'm afraid to forget
there's just so much I want to hold on to

I haven't the patience for words
It's always the most comprehensive mentally

Nov 24th

Pretty steady right now
Things have been wounded and healed
Processes have be(en) processed
Wheels are in motion
I just need to keep a clear view
Of what's happening &
of what's hoped
Reading signs
My feet were cold & wet
I'll let someone else lead for now.

"No Matter How Much I Write, I can't capture everything I find important enough to preserve.

Noah at Grandma's house when he was about 18-19

Link to Video of Noah

News as 3 year anniversary approaches

To all who loved and knew Noah. May 30, will be three years and it has been such an intense life experience that words really can't describe it. We heard from his past girlfriend, Claire, who was married recently in Barcelona, Spain. She thinks of him often and tells us he would have loved Barcelona.

Thoughts

Noah is a spirit, alive in all of us who knew him, and alive in his own right as well. I burned a "Bee" candle tonight, remembering Noah's desire to become a Beekeeper some day. So many things he wanted to do, so many he did. I am happy that he was here with us at all. I miss you my son.

Thoughts of Noah

I have returned from the Big Island, where I went to try and remedy the almost unbearable grief of losing my son Noah. I find that by being away from all of the places he used to be, was also quite difficult and I felt like I was abandoning him in some way. So I have returned to Portland to try and continue.

I have had numerous dreams of Noah, and he has appeared beautiful, healthy and happy. This is very comforting and I have faith that his spirit is shining like a diamond in the sun. In the latest dream, he had his arm around my neck, and he was about 11 years old. He told me that he had been in a secret place and couldn't tell me where yet. He had made a ring, half gold and half silver, with pits on the surface like A'a lava.

I am glad to have been his father and not sure why I was blessed so much.

Noah's Drawing for Zoe Raab, his girlfriend

Dad's interview with local radio show

Photos from Noah's Funeral June 2005 & Bike Memorial

Last photos of Noah we have, found on his phone, Seattle April, 2005

Noah Dream

On my Birthday, September 8th, 2008, I dreamed about Noah. He was sleeping in this little room in our house, not where he normally would have slept. I got him up and he said "Look Dad at all of the cats!", and there were about 11 or 12 funny looking cats in the basement. Then I tried calling his mother on my cell phone, but it was a strange cell phone that unfolded about 3 different ways and I gave it to Noah. He told me he couldn't get through, he just received a weird message to try and call back. Then we were together on the number 6 MLK bus headed towards downtown. Noah said he had to get off, so I got off with him right near the Hawthrone bridge. Noah had a job at a Macaroni & Cheese place, but he told me that he wouldn't put meatballs and other junk some people wanted on it. I told him that you know if you decide to go to school, you will get enough money to live on and won't have to work all the time. He said, "Yeah, but I'd probably have to read a few hard books like, Clue" Noah had a couple of duffel type bags with him and we were parting and I hugged him and told him to call me more often because I missed him. I awoke with that feeling I used to have when Noah was alive, indescribable, but completely real, those feelings that surround you when your son is in this world.

Link to his sketch pad

A Magazine Noah made - really cool drawings

http://www.box.net/shared/paf36ouks7

Moving on

I am leaving Oregon and am not sure how much posting I will be doing. I read the guest book from Noah's life celebration at St. Stephens church for the first time today. I found out one of his favorite songs was by The Velvet Underground, "All Tomorrow's Parties", (info provided by his friend Anne Murphy).

Photo Album of Noah- Click here for large images